What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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