i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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