You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Where is the hickey?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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