one might say we're banned from that church
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
