return my video game
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
