Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
