I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
