Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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