My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
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I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
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Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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