im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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