she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
