I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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