I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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