Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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