Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
