he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Everclear isn't food dammit
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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