...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
