i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Randomize
