I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
In America we eat man semen.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
