Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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