i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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