If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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