mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
