Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
