I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
