Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
soo... how was my night?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
