he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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