she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
