Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
