So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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