seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
