I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
