im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize