his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
