I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
