I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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