I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
