I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
