So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
