I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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