Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
