last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
