Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
