I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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