I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
