Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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