You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
