I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
