I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
