Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
