im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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