i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
