i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
