i think my mom watched the whole time
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
