u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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