Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
