Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
