between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
