Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Reggie can tackle my bush.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Your cock deserves a montage
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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