someone threw a dead crab at me
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
