her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
